For example, someone living with an addiction may make amends by apologizing for stealing property and then make it right by returning what they’d taken. Of all the 12 steps, Step 9 is often referred to as particularly challenging. Understanding why will require taking a closer look at what Step living amends 9 is, its goals, and its possible outcomes. We’ll also include a Step 9 amends letter for anyone who wants to implement this step but isn’t sure how to. Be specific about what you did wrong.It is best to specifically name any faults, offenses, or sins committed that hurt the other person.

What Do You Say When Making Amends? – The Step 9 Amends Letter

The ninth step is very action-oriented and provides a sense of relief. Although step nine can be difficult, participants should remember that if it were easy, everyone would be doing it. It takes willingness and courage to reflect on and find a resolution to your mistakes.

What do you say when making an AA amendment?

Those in recovery are encouraged to make direct amends whenever possible. If you’re familiar with substance use recovery and 12-step programs, the idea of “living amends” might ring a bell. When you cannot directly make up for something to the person you hurt, a living amends is a decision to change your ongoing behavior in a way that is informed by the wrongdoing. Your ‘living amends’ is living in a way that that acknowledges the previous mistake by consistently living in a way that doesn’t repeat it or compensates for it.

Guide to Step 9 and Making Amends

Teasing out the difference between guilt and regret can be tough. Whether or not you’re intimately familiar with the Twelve Steps of AA, you’ve probably heard of Step Nine. Making Amends with Others has positioned itself in the public eye to a degree that many of the other eleven steps haven’t. That’s because it attempts to rectify the outward consequences of the disease. Many alcoholics in early sobriety struggle with how to make direct amends for certain offenses against others.

Harmony Haus

For example, let’s say a mother didn’t make an effort to escort her children to the school bus stop. One of her children is killed crossing the street on their own even after telling their mother that they were afraid to cross the busy street alone. A living amend might include a posthumous promise to the deceased child to, from now on, make it a point to walk their surviving siblings to the bus stop each day. Living amends refers to making promises to the people in your life whom you’ve wronged or who have hurt you. These promises focus on rebuilding your relationship with a loved one and moving forward from the pain of the past. We understand that fact and don’t choose to run from it, and we understand that words cannot make those painful memories disappear.

• They may refuse to meet at all or refuse to listen to what you have to say.
• Making living amends can take on many different forms depending on the relationship to those affected by the wrongdoing.
• Another example is a substance or alcohol-addicted adult child who regularly steals money, jewelry, and other valuable items from their elderly parent’s home.

You can find What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss wherever you buy books:

Suddenly your spinning around things you feel guilty for. Maybe it is a fight you always thought you had time to resolve. Perhaps it is something you said or did while they were ill. Now, whether it is an apology, a want for forgiveness, or an amends, that person isn’t here and it makes it hard to imagine any of those things are possible.

Some might be too tested by prior behaviors and actions that they simply need space. Or the people you need to apologize and make amends to are no longer living. In many 12-step recovery programs, making amends is an important part of the process.

When and Why Do People Make Living Amends?

The AA Big Book emphasizes the importance of being willing to make amends for the harm we have caused, while also avoiding causing further harm in the process. It encourages thoughtful and responsible actions in the process of making amends. Bear in mind, you’re not alone while navigating the process of making amends. Many have walked this path before, and their wisdom can provide valuable guidance. Everyday AA slogans like ‘taking it easy,’ ‘progress rather than perfection,’ and ‘live and let live’ can all be helpful reminders that apply when making amends too. The process of making amends can pose challenges and often trigger fears and anxieties.

• It ranged from promising to fix something around the house to going to a family gathering.
• Apologies can only go so far in repairing past pain, but it’s a place where you need to begin to heal.
• When someone is alive and you’ve hurt them, amends are more straightforward.
• They can make a living amend to change their lifestyle, get sober, and stop stealing from their parent.

But remember, being intentional and realistic is a big part of making impulsive promises or actions. It would be easy to think there is nothing more WYG can write about guilt and grief. We’ve written about how common guilt is in grief (you wouldn’t believe how many people get the “coulda woulda shouldas”). We wrote an article about the difference between guilt and regret. We talked about the complicated processes of self-forgiveness and self-compassion.

Family and Children’s Programs

No matter how much we feel the need to make things right, forcing another to meet with us or hear from us is not part of the Steps. When those we’ve hurt are not able or willing to accept our amends, we can still move in a positive general direction by taking intentional steps to be of service to others or making living amends. Think of amends as actions taken that demonstrate your new way of life in recovery, whereas apologies are basically words. When you make amends, you acknowledge and align your values to your actions by admitting wrongdoing and then living by your principles. Another example would be of a person who’s been a taker all their lives suddenly decides they no longer want to be self-centered and selfish.